the quas-semi-bi-partial-monthly post, with regrets towards length

well, because i have so much to write, i am doing the "covert grammar" thing by eschewing punctuation, or, to be more accurate, capitalization.

i just read a post from last week by my good friend maura (a.k.a. occasional blond) in which she sort of bemoaned her present position in life -- especially in regards to writing, something very close to my heart & soul & psyche -- as well as make a couple of interesting insights regarding tele-vision programmes that i don't watch. but the part about writing really struck me, & is the reason for this post's occurrence in the fractured time-line that is my so-called blog.

although the 3 people who read this blog already know it, i have applied to graduate school. i am hoping to get a Master's Degree in English with a Concentration in Film Studies from North Carolina State University. i was -- & still am -- very nervous about getting into the program, probably due to the extreme level of superstition that was instilled in me by the game of baseball & the addled miscreants who seem to be attracted to playing it. [i once wore the same pair of socks for 11 consecutive baseball games without ever washing them; i will say that they fit rather well at the end.] my nervousness was exacerbated by the fact that i really procrastinated the whole ordeal; took the GRE late, didn't study for it til the last second, waited until january to start getting the whole application together (due Feb 1) -- this included a transcript, a personal statement,  three  recommendations, & a writing sample. one of my recommenders was not even notified that i needed a rec until early january; another one, not a Luddite but not an emailer either, wanted the paper form printed out for him, as well as paper copies of my personal statement (PS) & writing sample, which i did not provide him until about 2 weeks before it was due.

what i am elated about is the fact that i am pretty sure these recommenders gave me amazingly solid recs. the one who submitted his by mail called me on tues, feb 3 to tell me (paraphrased) that he "mailed in the recommendation, and included an extra letter explaining how qualified he thought i was for the program, as well as what an excellent graduate student & (eventually) teacher i would make -- this was left for me on my voicemail. rec writer #2, a former professor of mine, got my PS & writing sample a week before stuff was due, & a week after the deadline his rec was not showing up as submitted (i can check my status online), so i emailed him, & we got it all sorted out, but again this only re-exacerbated my nervousness.  when he re-submitted the rec, he sent me an amazing email from his hotel in hermosa beach which contained the following paragraph (used without permission):

Needless to say, I hope NC State is wise enough to see that divine justice requires that they admit you and that fire and brimstone shall reign upon their collective ears if they don't.  You surely deserve to get in to the program.

Now, that certainly allayed some of my nervousness & fear; that may be as wonderful a thing anyone has ever said about me. at least to my face. my third rec, which is from Jane Gaines, head of the Film & Video Program at Duke, i feel pretty good about cuz she was really gung-ho about the whole thing starting last fall. so, if grad school works like college, then the people at state will have some solid recs to look at, some slightly above-average test scores, a mediocre writing sample (not even film related -- it was a paper on "Dubliners" that i wrote for the professor who emailed me from LA), & a hopefully revelatory personal statement.

which brings me to the crux of this: i had to write a personal statement. i wrote a rough page in october, showed it to jane gaines, she emailed me some changes, i made them, showed it to dave felton & james miller, took some feedback from them, & then never consulted anyone else again. i looked at it & looked at it & looked at it again & put it away, looked again when no-one was looking, & then just decided i would leave it be. it was about 3 pages long, & i honestly felt like it was okay, not great, but some sort of bi-polar disorder with two sides, depression & graphophobia, kept me from really tackling it. & when i say tackling it, i mean alchemizing it from a dry, mediocre list of "reasons why i want to go to grad skool" into something better, more meaningful, & more accurately reflective of not only who i am, but how i got there, how i represent myself, & especially how i write about myself. a daunting task, which i was simply not up for.

cut to: super bowl sunday. i wanted to go to muggs' house, but superstition prevailed, cuz the steelers always won [or so it seemed] when he was at home & i was at home & we were texting about the game. since i had to submit my app by midnight -- that was feb 1 -- i sat down during the pregame to go over the PS & make sure there were no typos, no misinformation, & that it at least had a flow that would keep someone reading until the end. as i read it, my frustration grew: it was inaccurate, saccharine, arrogant-sounding, etc etc. i actually got angry. then, in the writer's parlance, my muse sort of shat on my head. i started writing (re-writing, really) in the middle of the first quarter & never looked back. i changed some sentences, deleted some, rearranged, re-wrote some more sentences. i think better writers than i call this "editing," & i have NEVER been good at it, nor have i ever enjoyed it. but i couldn't help myself; it wasn't right. finally, about 10:45 the night of the 1st (figured i had til midnight, right? they might as well get used to me toying with deadlines right off the bat. . . ), i had something that i thought was special. i uploaded it, previewed it, & submitted it.

i've gone back & looked at it since then, & i am still really proud of it. i even printed it off & gave it to a couple of people to read, just so they could see it.

now i'm written out, & i haven't even started on the documentary film that dave felton & i made last weekend. so, if anybody wants to read my personal statement, in its entirety, i have posted it to my "notes" page on facebook; you can go here to read it.

Comments

[watch scrubs online]

I loved the type ad commenting system very clean and very efficient.

Love to read more from you on the topic above

[Nicole]

You just inspired me to go do my math GRE homework. And I'll be begging for your help editing when I write my personal statement.